WARNING CHILDREN: An Obese Squidward Loose In England

"Have bottom size of Brazil."

I had planned to bite the bullet today and share my current weight with you lovely people - I cannot believe I have followers; a pair of ruby red slippers for you all! - but I stepped on the scale this morning and my head nearly sky-rocketed off my body and into out of space in complete shock.  And it wasn't a good sort of shock like finding Johnny Depp at your front-door wearing nothing more than a bow-tie...

Hmmm....A long time passes...

And she's back in reality.  Anyway it wasn't that sort of shock; rather it was the finding your mum in bed with your school teacher kind of shock which no girl ever wants to experience, and for the rest of the day I have been walking around like a very miserable Squidward.  I have now locked myself in my bedroom in case I scare any more little children with my frightening demeanour.

I haven't been the happiest of bunnies today.

I knew I was fat.  I always am aware at how fat and grotesque I am.  But those evil scales showed me just how disgusting I am and how I have put on 3lbs since Monday.  How is that even possible?  I would blame the Fat Fairy (who I call Mildred) for visiting me in my sleep, but I think it's more to do with the complete lack of control I have had these past few days and the fact that I have been unwisely following the philosophy of one Homer J. Simpson: TV, beer and baldness.

Well not any more!  Tomorrow my Drill Sergeant other half of me will come into town and my training into perfection will begin.  I have work tomorrow and don't get back to later so I can't really exercise during the day, but for my entire hours lunch break I will be power walking around the nearby park, probably pretending that I'm a spy who needs to find and deactivate a bomb; and I will eat no more than 600 calories; 800 at the very maximum.

And so ladies I disappoint you today by not giving you my stats, but next week no matter what the scales say I will tell you the startling truth of my weight.

I really am quite tired of having a bottom so big that dancers could use it as a stage to practise their tap dancing.

<---- p.s these are the shoes you lovelies can expect to find underneath your bookcases tomorrow morning, a thank you for following and commenting on this silly little blog of mine.