Me!

"Now you people have names.  That's because you don't know who you are.  We know who we are, so we don't need names."

I am generally suspicious of computers. Whenever I step into a computer shop (which isn't often) I put on my poker-face, defensively cross my arms across my chest, and have a conversation with the computers inside my head where I let them know, in no polite terms, that they cannot fool me with their general prettiness and shininess and that I know what their game is.

Threatening inanimate objects isn't the healthiest of past-times and I'm sure Christmas would feel as though it had come early to any psychiatrists who happened to be holidaying in my psyche; but I cannot help but be suspicious of most technology.

What is so good about a phone which wakes you up in the middle of your escapades with Bertie Wooster? And what is the allure of a social network site which is basically legalized stalking? And don't even get me started on E-Books...

But what I do love about technology, specifically the Internet, is that you can create a whole new identity for yourself and feel rather important in the process. I, for example, am not called Cleo. My own name is rather boring, but with this cloak and dagger secrecy I can be whoever I want, and I choose to be Cleo.

Having an alias does make one feel incredibly like a superhero.

For anybody who is interested though here is what you need to know about me:

1) I live in England. Mentally I'm dancing with James in his giant peach (for those of you not acquainted with Roald Dahl, "dancing with James in his giant peach" is not some sort of weird sexual innuendo); but physically I'm stuck here in good old Blighty.

2) I'm 20. I feel so old being 20 and am in the process of concocting an elixir of youth. Wish me luck!

3) I'm a bookworm who reads and buys books at such an alarming rate that I already know how I am going to die; squashed to death by books seems like a perfectly respectable and pleasant way to die.

4) I walk on my tiptoes, still suck my thumb, and keep Wrigley's chewing gum in business by the slight addiction I have to gum. Even as I type this I'm chewing.

5) Although I have a slight aversion to technology, I manage to be the biggest of hypocrites after falling in love with my iPod. Most probably my 30th birthday present will be a hearing aid, but music needs to be listened to LOUD especially if it's someone as awesome as Florence and the Machine (I want to marry Florence ♥).

6) I struggle to accept reality and live most firmly in the worlds of books and dreams. Having my head in the clouds for most of my life it's only natural that I have my far share of accidents, but so far I have managed to cheat death. But for how much longer??? *creepy music*

7) My heart belongs to Disney, skinny beauties, stationary (yah I'm not the only one battleinmind), people who drink tea, a certain blue-eyed boy, hat-wearers, girls in face-paint, boys too tall to fit through doorways,
those who snort when laughing, and anyone who pays me a compliment.

8) I have beautiful scars along my arm but I can't add more scars. Stupid family have made me feel guilty about self-harming.

&

9) I have an eating disorder. Never been diagnosed and it stills belongs just to me. They took away my SI but my body, my control, my disorder (whatever it might be) is mine. And like a pampered brat amongst treasures she can't keep, I'm not letting go!

The last point is why I'm writing this blog. The blogs I've read have been so inspiring - you are all amazing - but I feel I need support and a sense of pressure to help me. Because I need to be thin, beautiful and ultimately perfect. Perhaps I'll be able to accept reality when I can look at my reflection without feeling repulsed.

So I'm no Coraline Jones, no Violet Parr, and not really Cleo. But here we don't need names, we have no need for small talk; we can unlock the true THIN us.


Now off I skip to watch the skinny ladies of Wisteria Lane.